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We asked several police officers nationwide how to handle interactions with law enforcement. These were their responses:

 

The birthday party down the street is a little noisy. What should I do?

Call us and we'll shoot the dog. That will quiet the little punks down. 

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/oklahoma-shoots-kills-family-dog-birthday-party-article-1.2719156

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What if I have a service dog?

No problem.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1O9GmUcp0Mo

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You shot my dog! Now what?

You need to saw its head off so we can test it for rabies. Or else you go to jail.

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/nation-world/national/article188099994.html

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I think my friend is suicidal.

We can fix that problem for him.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2017/12/05/oklahoma-city-officer-charged-in-fatal-shooting-man.html

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That's really not a good fix.

Well, there are other options.  We can try to cheer him up.

http://www.kansascity.com/latest-news/article206165144.html 

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I see a kid in the park with what might be a toy gun.

No problem. We've got this.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shooting_of_Tamir_Rice

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I saw a guy near the gun counter of WalMart with a gun. What should I do?

Call us and we'll shoot him on sight.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shooting_of_John_Crawford_III

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I possibly saw a gun through a hotel window, even though that's legal in this state.

We've got a procedure for that. Our swat team will make him do the hokey pokey then shoot him.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/mesa-police-shooting-daniel-shaver-seen-crawling-begging-in-disturbing-video/

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My neighbor is deaf, is that going to be a problem?

No, the bullets will kill him just as easily.

https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/09/21/552527929/oklahoma-city-police-fatally-shoot-deaf-man-despite-yells-of-he-cant-hear-you

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If I'm helping a disabled person and the cops arrive, what should I do?

Seriously, we have no idea either. We'll probably open fire.

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/crime/article90905442.html

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If a disabled, mentally ill person needs help, what should I do?

Call us, of course. That's an easy one.

http://www.cnn.com/2012/09/23/us/texas-amputee-shooting/index.html

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Seriously?  You'd shoot me?

Well, not always.

http://www.sanluisobispo.com/news/local/investigations/article205363229.html 

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I'm not the mentally ill person you're looking for.  I'm not sure why you're here.

Our expert says you're mentally ill. We don't need to see your identification. We're going to forcibly medicate you now. But you'll get a free steak dinner.

http://on.wpxi.com/2E49p2a 

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We think a teenager may have taken explicit photos of himself. What should we do?

Call us and we'll send a child molester to make definitely sure there's video of him.

http://reason.com/blog/2017/12/07/4th-circuit-says-forcing-a-teenager-to-m

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What if I have no legal problem and call outside for first aid?

We'll shoot at your dog, miss and hit your daughter instead.

http://thefreethoughtproject.com/780k-settlement-cop-shoots-4yo-daughter/ 

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Is it proper to produce my wallet and ID when confronted by police?

It certainly helps us with paperwork.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shooting_of_Amadou_Diallo

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You're good at identifying the right target, I hope.

Sure.  Of course, if you're a small Asian woman we might mistake you for a large black man. But don't worry, we'll have some charity replace your truck after we shoot it full of holes.  Totally not our fault.  Stress of the moment, you all look alike to us.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Dorner_shootings_and_manhunt

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If I have drugs, you'll be careful about my family, I hope.

Suuuure.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2017/01/13/indiana-court-overturns-drug-conviction-after-swat-team-detonates-stun-grenade-near-a-baby/?utm_term=.afac63cc8d02

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I make every effort to abide by the law, including asking for police inspections.  I assume I'm good.

Maybe. Got anything interesting? Or sellable?

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/03/30/what-life-is-like-after-police-ransack-your-house-and-take-every-belonging-then-the-charges-are-dropped/?utm_term=.937a9c63f622

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We don't sell drugs.  We should be fine, right?

Our paid stooge says you sell drugs. Your baby has it coming.

https://atlantadailyworld.com/2016/03/02/georgia-family-gets-3-6-million-after-cops-throw-grenade-at-baby/

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Really, I don't sell drugs.

What do you mean you don't sell drugs?  Our experts know better.

http://www.cracked.com/personal-experiences-2467-6-things-i-learned-when-cops-raided-my-house-by-mistake.html

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What's the procedure if you do think I have drugs?

A scientific search.

https://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/26/opinion/sunday/kristof-3-enemas-later-still-no-drugs.html

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What should I do if you conduct a sting on my premises? Do you need help?

No, we're going to seize your property for the crime we pretended to commit.

https://ij.org/case/new-york-city-evictions/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&fbclid=IwAR3p1x3_an9zjWTUanipWX1_b2xu6b2ogNVdJhp33WoBvBk3mfDQifwAUN8

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So I should follow all instructions and everything will go fine.

Yup. Perfectly fine. It makes it much easier.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/ct-officer-shot-unarmed-black-man-20170402-story.html

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If you realize you have the wrong house, will I be okay?

Mmmmmaybe......not.

http://abcnews.go.com/US/georgia-police-shoot-homeowner-responding-wrong-home/story?id=39723930

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If I'm 92 years old, and you have the wrong house, what happens?

Oh, we'll make it the right house. We'll fire 39 shots at you and hit you with about 6. Then we'll shoot each other.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kathryn_Johnston_shooting

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What?  You don't shoot each other often, do you?

Well, accidents happen.

http://baltimore.cbslocal.com/2013/06/21/cadet-shot-in-head-during-police-training-exercise-honored-at-graduation/

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If I wind up getting shot, you'll administer first aid, yes?

Why would we do that?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shooting_of_Deandre_Brunston

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If I'm stopped for a traffic violation, should I tell you I'm legally carrying a weapon?

If you like.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shooting_of_Philando_Castile

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What if I'm sitting in my car unarmed?

We'll break the window, drag you out, and put a bullet in your brain, for "officer safety." 

http://www.cleveland19.com/story/37201963/federal-court-sides-with-family-upholds-verdict-in-2012-deadly-police-shooting-of-unarmed-suspect-kenneth-smith-roger-jones 

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Look, you don't just shoot everyone you encounter, do you?

Nah, we also have dogs.

http://www.twincities.com/2017/12/06/lawsuit-woman-taking-out-garbage-attacked-by-st-paul-police-dog-searching-for-male-suspect/

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So it's safe for me to call for help if I see a problem, then.

Define "safe."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shooting_of_Justine_Damond

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What if I'm minding my own business?

I'm afraid to ask, but if a child were lost, you wouldn't shoot them, would you?

The child? No.

https://www.deseretnews.com/article/865673713/Judge-rules-against-man-whose-dog-was-shot-and-killed-by-police-during-search-for-toddler.html

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So children are safe during procedural processes?

Um...well...

https://ilwd4cr.home.blog/2019/08/09/expired-foid-card-leads-to-child-being-accidentally-shot-by-police-during-raid/?fbclid=IwAR21fqxn4t8ptRu6KpLniHpAGsKK1ELW1LPxQ3g2IxeZ-GNEzjH1q20YyXk

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So it would actually be best if I were naked, then?

Why would that matter?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shooting_of_Anthony_Hill

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What if I meet you off duty? Say at a social function for pets?

I'll probably shoot your dog.

http://www.wmcactionnews5.com/story/37122662/off-duty-officer-shoots-dog-at-shelby-farms-park 

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You have really good aim with dogs. Sheesh.

Usually, but not always.

https://reason.com/2019/07/16/court-rules-police-officer-who-shot-10-year-old-is-protected-by-qualified-immunity/?fbclid=IwAR3C_k6btxlUJujsSiv0x-IgzCMo57xXipy2uZZ3vpmrQo6CqNqPn45Z6FI

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What if a small girl is chasing her puppy?

We'll teach her some manners.

http://tribunist.com/news/texas-deputy-loses-job-after-he-allegedly-beat-up-a-12-year-old-girl-in-a-crowded-restaurant-video/ 

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What about other social events?

That depends on if you accept our offer of a drink.

https://www.theblaze.com/news/2013/10/15/caught-on-video-off-duty-deputy-attempts-to-arrest-soldier-at-restaurant-but-it-was-the-cop-who-went-to-jail 

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What kind of training do you have for this job?

The best training in the world.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzHEOSyMqug

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That's rare, though, right? I shouldn't be in danger.

Probably not.  But accidents happen.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/14/raid-of-the-day-eurie-sta_n_3273127.html

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I'd like to observe this training for myself, to see just what's involved.

You might not wanna do that.

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/11/us/woman-is-accidentally-killed-by-police-officer-playing-bad-guy-at-training-academy-in-florida.html

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If there's a camera rolling and you know it's being filmed, you'll use discretion, yes? You won't empty your guns at a running bad guy and hit the cameraman?

Who cares? There's nothing wrong with that.  The judge concurs.

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https://apnews.com/4f818508e9a5453cb897eed34a896c6d?fbclid=IwAR1VS02SAu0mwO1MyQadwjNAMVMFXhF_Dq_rQeuX1mgNqKvRZko3doyXXpQ  

Right, but it's not policy to roll up and blow people away, is it?

Well....about that....

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2016/09/13/police-officer-fired-for-not-shooting-man-who-had-unloaded-gun.html

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So if I see you roll up to get someone, what should I do?

Duck.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/08/25/nypd-shooting-bystander-victims-hit-by-police-gunfire.html

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If I'm detained, should I come quietly?

Quiet, screaming, actually, it doesn't matter if you come, as long as we do.

https://nypost.com/2017/12/08/woman-claims-nypd-detectives-discussed-taking-turns-raping-her/

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Do I have right to remain silent?

That depends. Do you like rough sex?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abner_Louima