Humor

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Written by Michael Z Williamson

Created: 10 October 2018

Apparently, some group or other has put together a blacklist for some reason unknown to some event unknown of people involved with Comicsgate, and I'm on the list.

I'm flattered.  Seriously.  Most authors have a fan club. I actually have a hate club, who spend a lot of mental capital hating me, instead of finding something else to do.  So in actuality, they're a fan club composed of passive-aggressive failures.  But hey, it's still attention. So this is either an expansion of the hate club or a SECOND hate club!  That's pretty fucking cool.

I guess I'd be more flattered if I knew what "Comicsgate" is, and what association I have with it.  I mean, I can mostly guess whether a superhero is Marvel or DC from the movie ads I occasionally see on Fecesbook.  I'm aware there are stores that sell comics.  I'm aware there are collectible comics.  I know who the Justice League are from kid's TV. I know the guy who builds the officially licensed Batmobiles.

That's about it.

I don't read comics, write comics, write about comics, collect comics or notice comics. So it's a bit of a surprise to find out I apparently have a political opinion about comics that is unpopular enough and visible enough to get me pre-banned from something or other comic related, which I'm still not aware of any details about.

As far as attending whatever event this is, the rules would be the same as for any other event.  There's Category A, which are a handful of cons I pay to go to, and have since the 1980s, when I have the time, to hang out with friends and do nothing, though I'm happy to sign books if people ask me to.  Then there's Section 2, which means you're either letting me show up as a vendor, and have a market I can derive income from thereby, or you're paying my gas/airfare, hotel and per diem, to cover the loss of professional writing time I'm losing for those 3-5 days. As the famous advice says, "Fuck You, Pay Me."

Oh, and there's Division c: DragonCon, which I pay to attend as guest and vendor because it's a huge fucking orgy of profit, Scotch tasting, cosplaying, paneling, and evenings with my wife and our girlfriend.

So banning me from whatever you think you're banning me from is about like telling me I'm not welcome at the Live Agenda Studies Poetry Night at the Local Liberal Arts College Coffee Shop In Seattle. (I live in Indiana.)

Bitch, I'll be fine.

One favor, though, please: Let me know ahead of time that you're blacklisting me so I can share it, because that's marketing fucking gold to the people who are actually capable of, and actually do, read my BOOKS. Not comics.

Not that I have anything against comics, you understand.  I just don't move in that circle.

Details

Written by Michael Z Williamson

Created: 12 June 2016

US Civil War:  Democrats fought to keep their slaves.

1 million casualties.

Democrat James K Polk, Mexican-American War.

17,000 casualties.

WWI--Democrat Woodrow Wilson and a Democrat Congress authorized the carrying of war materiel on US merchant ships, thus making those ships legitimate military targets.

320,000 casualties.

WWII--Democrat FDR and a Democrat Congress authorized the carrying of war materiel on US merchant ships, and naval vessels to protect such ships and fire on German commerce raiders, thus initiating violence against a foreign power.  

1,076,000 casualties.

Korea--Democrat Harry Truman and a Democrat Congress authorized US involvement in a land war in Asia.

128,000 casualties.

Vietnam--Democrat Harry Truman authorized economic aid for another land war in Asia. Democrat JFK sent the first combat troops. Lyndon BJ sent thousands more US combat troops, all under Democrat Congresses.

211,000 casualties.

Dominican Republic--Democrat Lyndon BJ

330 casualties.

~~~

75% of violent criminals identify as Democrats.

The solution is obvious.

Outlaw the Democratic Party under RICO, arrest and jail all members, and US violence will largely disappear.

Details

Written by Michael Z Williamson

Created: 29 February 2016

I told my friends this needed to be a thing.

Dick Evans came up with this script:

 

This is Old Spice, this is New Spice, These are the Spice girls (BANG BANG BANG) - That's Splatter Art! Old Spice!

This is me offending you with out deodorant. This is me doing the exact same thing with deodorant on! Guess where.

Details

Written by Michael Z Williamson

Created: 10 February 2016

Over the Hedge:

This is the story of RJ, a raccoon (Quisquiliae Ailurapoda) who is a textbook thieving socialist.  We start the movie with him stealing from a hibernating bear. Despite cautioning himself to only "take what he needs," he tries to steal everything on hand, including the food from the bear's paws. Once a socialist has an opening, they will always go too far, and RJ does. 

RJ gets caught, and resorts to fast talking and promises of extravagant returns if only the bear won't kill him, arguing that if the bear does, he'll have to repeat all that labor himself.  The bear grudgingly grants a grace period for compensation of RJ's crimes, and releases him on parole.

Denied a Have to leech off, RJ scavenges through trash for food and finds little.  He takes his bag of minimal possessions and goes stalking a new subdivision of Haves he hopes to exploit for the debt he's already acquired, and the resources he needs moving forward. This uncannily matches every Five Year Plan the USSR ever had. 

Without shills, Socialists starve, so he also seeks accomplices.  He finds them in the form of a motley band of foragers just waking from hibernation.

Being a dedicated socialist, he goes full Bernie Sanders, persuading the foragers that they can have all the good stuff for free, just by taking it from the leftovers of the Haves. They do so, oblivious of the wreckage they leave behind. RJ is aware, but doesn't care.  There's always more loot to be had.

Vern, the patriarchal conservative tortoise, loudly denounces RJ as taking advantage of the gullibility and stupidity of the group.  Offended by his presentation of documentable truth, they turn away from him entirely, and hug socialism to their bosoms. Hilarity and disaster ensue, as they always do, because socialists are gullible and stupid and never learn.

When an exterminator, representing capitalist power, is brought in, they realize they should retreat to safety and live within their means, but once again, RJ the Politician persuades them that enough just isn't enough, that they must enter the very homes of the people and steal goods directly.

Keep in mind this is to enrich himself personally by his position, and pay off the bear who has a legal claim against his very life if he doesn't furnish compensation. The bear represents a bank or investor who acted in good faith, but was screwed over by claims of "fairness."  RJ is a textbook democrat, stealing with one hand, lying about it, and feeding his sponsor with the other hand lest he become lunch himself.

The house is a shambles, the homeowner imprisoned for attempting to defend her premises, the exterminator deemed a villain for attempting to enforce the rules of society, and the bear is forcibly removed from the home where he was doing nothing wrong.  What was a functional system is totally destroyed.

And the socialists retreat to the life they had before, enhanced by the rotting remains of capitalist production, blissfully unaware that when it runs out they'll return to the edge of starvation. Then they'll repeat this pattern of behavior, and wonder why it never works out in the end, and why exterminators keep coming to kill them.

AFTERNOTE: It does deserve credit for showing the dangers of energy drinks on excitable youth.