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The Manly Way to Cook Meat
Since the dawn of time, fire has been an indication of civilization. It
treated flint, steamed wood, cast bronze, smelted iron, burned out
peasants for the obligatory sacking and looting, hosted leaders and
their war bands before they engaged in the slaughter of squatters or savages,
and cooked meat.
Today, the call of the flame is strong. Entire industries exist so that
pussified office bunnies may feel its comfort, usually imprisoned behind
glass and possibly with some frou-frou scented sparkly wax.
I'm here to tell you what should be obvious: That's not manly.
A microwave is acceptable for warming a cup of second-rate coffee or
leftover pizza. A stove or range is okay for soup, vegetables or baking
a cake. For some modern dishes, they do excel. But they are
utilitarian conveniences.
There comes a time when a man must chop up meat (preferably that he
killed and gutted himself with a knife, spear or bow, but rifle fire or
a punt gun is certainly an acceptable modern substitute) and apply it to
fire, while quaffing ale and mead, insulting his foes (like that
nancy-boy Mohammed chap and his boyfriends), scratching, belching and
generally fuzzing the line between civilized and barbarous.
It is time, then, to retreat to the outdoors and cook like a man.
This is easy, as long as one understands the simple truths. Fire is
fuel and flame. It doesn't, and shouldn't take a fortune in fancy
stainless, digitally controlled hardware to produce it.
Gas grills: Gas grills are right out. If you're the kind of pansy who
puts aluminum foil on the mesh of a gas grill to fry your burgers and
brats, you're.well, a pansy. All you've done is move a range outdoors
to fry with. You're probably cooking tofu burgers with bean sprouts.
"But, Einar, the instruction say I shouldn't get grease into the
carefully fabricated imitation pumice rocks above the gas flames!" you
say. In other words, it's an expensive yuppie-scum wannabe grill, like
those "gas fireplaces." You may as well put your testicles up there and
cook them, because you're not using them.
Perhaps you cook directly over the gas flames, and imagine this is
manly. I take it you either have no tastebuds, or like the taste of
partially burned hydrocarbons in your food. Still, at least you have an
actual fire kissing the meat. It's cooking, but it's like the
difference between a methed-up stripper smoking Marlboro Lights and
Arnie smoking a cigar.
Charcoal grills: Ah, now you're almost there. Charcoal grills are
acceptably manly, if done properly.
First, no real man cooks with cute little "briquets" (that term just
_sounds_ phagadocious, when you say it) of ground coal dust held
together with binder and soaked with glorified kerosene. If you are
going to use charcoal, save money, show some class and testosterone, buy
a bag of "hardwood charcoal." It looks like someone chopped up a tree
and carbonized it, because that's exactly what it is. The taste and
smell are superior. It's easier to light and burns better. I find 20
seconds with an oxy-acetylene torch creates a good, hot core to pile the
balance of the fuel on.
Obviously, the best way to light this fire is with flint and steel, the
Viking way.
But isn't it hard to strike a fire with flint and steel, you ask? Not
at all. Flint is just a quartzite-a silicaceous rock. Steel is easy to
find. My preferred method is to chuck a silicon carbide abrasive wheel
in my half horsepower drill and run it against an old file. I get three
feet of hot, red sparks.
Of course, you can make your own charcoal, but the Vikings regarded
charcoal as forge fuel. Proper cooking was done over an actual fire
with wood.
The way this works is to light your tinder, feed it kindling (matchstick
sized pieces), then gradually work larger, to a small tepee or log cabin
arrangement of sticks. They don't need to be huge. This is for
cooking, not burning a village before raping the inhabitants (ALWAYS
burn first. It's so much more romantic by firelight). Thumb-thick is
plenty large. For roasting or searing, just hack off some gobbets of
flesh, skewer on a stick, dredge in salt or herbs, and stick into the
flames until done. Alternately, skewer the whole joint or carcass, lay
across the fire on iron poles, and slice off the crispy outside as you go.
Once the fire has burned down to coals, about a foot across and an inch
or so thick, the artistic cooking can commence. Beginners will want a
green stick or metal grate to lay meat on, to cook with sizzles. If fat
falls into the fire and creates a burst of flame, don't be a wuss and
squirt it out with water. The gods are gifting you with a fiery
seasoning for the meat.
Ultimately, you will want to try a Viking steak. Blow the dust off the
coals and drop the meat straight on. It will douse the surface fire and
the coals will act as insulation. As soon as you smell scorching, flip
over and cook the other side in the same spot. It will take
fractionally longer. The proper way to eat this, of course, is to slice
bits off with your seax and eat them off the back of your thumb, Viking
style.
Good ways to prepare the meat ahead of time include sprinkling with sea
salt, crushed red chilies, pepper and/or crushed garlic. Appropriate
marinades for overnight soaking include teriyaki, Worcestershire,
barbecue sauce or hot sauce. Once the meat is ready, pour off the
marinade and use it to sautee squash and carrots first, then mushrooms
and onions, in a cast iron pan oiled with butter or olive oil. Take
whole, unhusked ears of corn (this being America, the last bastion of
Viking manliness), peel back one side, add a tablespoon of butter and a
sprinkling of seasoning salt, close back up and toss into the coals
until it smells ready. You'll know when. Squash and carrots can also be
basted with the marinade and laid on the fire/grate until done. A true
master has the vegetable garnish ready just as the meat comes off the fire.
Shellfish can be tossed directly in the fire. Fish should be grilled,
placed skin-on in the flames or planked onto wood and cooked by radiant
heat.
A note on "desired doneness": Some purists insist a steak must be still
bleeding and mooing to be manly. While it certainly is manly, it's not
the only way. Medium pink is still meat, after all, and well-done is
just a sacrifice to Odin, without wasting the leftovers. He will be
honored to know that men are still thinking of him. Just be aware that
chicken and pork MUST be cooked completely to be safe, as must sausages.
Some of the more manly choices for meat include elk, venison, antelope,
ostrich, bear, kangaroo and alligator. But any animal flesh including
fish retains the power and sense of our great ancestors, roasting it on
the beach before or after a raid.
Afterwards is the time to toss on a knot of pine and some wrist-thick
scrub to create large, manly flames, illumination for the drinking of
ale, mead and whisky, carousing, cursing and boasting that must surely
follow.
