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Written by Michael Z Williamson

Created: 17 November 2011

fuck you

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That was the entirety of the email.

Okay, here's the problems:

I don't know what this is in regard to.  Obviously, it's something where I'm right and he's wrong.  If someone is reduced to stupid profanity, it means they have no argument to offer.  Also, if they get pissed off at something that's elaborated upon, and I try to make sure I do elaborate on my positions, it means it probably hit close to home.

Still, I have no objection to this kind of hate mail.  Knowing that illiterate morons are pissed off brightens my day.

This person purports to be Dutch in Anguilla, from the address.  Given that it's a British Territory, 90% black and a small percentage wealthy expats, there's no reason for anyone there to know or hate me.  I'm assuming it's a remailer, therefore, which means the person is probably a "liberal" American.  Conservatives are never afraid to give their name.

So, probably not being conservative, It's probably not a Creationist.  They tend to be polite (at least at first.  The name-calling comes later), and quote scripture as a "Warning" of what awaits me.

This is probably not a gun control nut.  They usually demand I shoot myself, since they lack the means or the balls to do so.

A vegetarian would send me photos of crippled bunnies or such, as if presenting me with images of raw food is somehow disturbing to me.

A warmerbator would quote megabytes of study proving that it's warmer now than in 1975, which everyone knows, and would actually mean something if it hadn't been colder the last million years, and warmer the 299 million before that.

My guess is he's an Occupussy, in which case he's doing an even better job than I am of mocking them.  Seriously, dude, playing up to the stereotype or public image is only funny if you do it intelligently.  Otherwise, it's just sad.  Which we already know about that movement.

In any case, "Klaus," you have nothing to offer, and you don't buy my product, so I have no reason to care about your anguish, except for schadenfreude.  Thanks.  You made my day.  Do please send me another angry rant I can enjoy.

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Written by Michael Z Williamson

Created: 15 November 2011

Mike:  I have this awesome idea for a satirical story.

Publisher:  Go on.

Mike:  We'll have a protest against capitalism and banks.

Publisher:  It's been done.

Mike:  Yes, but this will be different.  The protesters will protest capitalism, while wearing clothing made in sweatshops, AND, one of the sweatshop shirts from Honduras will bear the image of a communist who was shot for leading too many failed revolutions.

But there's more.  They'll adopt as their emblem this http://www.partycity.com/product/v+for+vendetta+mask.do?utm_source=Google&utm_medium=ProductSearch&utm_campaign=GoogleMerchant&extcmp=GoogleMerchant it's the image of a jihadist who tried to overthrow a parliamentary government to instill a religious dictatorship.  The image is owned by Warner, a huge media conglomerate that earns $12 billion a year. They used it for a movie about a terrorist, and they get 30% of every sale of the mask to these protesters.  Plus! It's made in a sweatshop in China by dissident prison laborers on starvation rations, using potentially toxic chemicals.

Publisher: …um…

Mike:  No, wait!  This is satire, okay?  Hippie drummers will show up at the protest, and the protesters will tax them on their tips to help fund the revolution. http://reason.com/blog/2011/10/21/it-began-as-it-so-often-does-w They'll have a "consensus" on doing so, without asking the drummers—taxation without representation!  And they'll insist the drummers stop drumming because it's annoying, but still want them to get tips!

Then, when they actually get donations, they'll take them to one of the banks they're protesting http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2011/11/09/occupy-oakland-protesters-deposit-funds-at-wells-fargo-after-bank-attacks/    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-j-hunt/occupy-oakland-banks-loca_b_1082930.html  .

Also, in a survey, http://reason.com/blog/2011/10/18/poll-49-of-occupy-wall-street half of them will actually support taxpayer-funded bailouts of banks.

When violence happens, they'll blame it on a "right wing conspiracy."  They'll want people to believe conservatives and Christians are sending people in to have sex in public, defecate in public and smoke dope.

After it really gets rolling, they'll get endorsement by the Communist AND Nazi Parties both. http://hotair.com/archives/2011/10/17/great-news-ows-now-endorsed-by-both-communist-and-nazi-parties/

They'll also meet at Starbuck's and drink overpriced coffee, and…

Publisher:  Stop.  Just stop. Satire works because it's believable.  This is just insane.  Even Monty Python makes more sense than this.

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Written by Michael Z Williamson

Created: 03 November 2011

At spanned smoothing, thief whining whim heinous autumnal efforts shintom offenders unmo cafe idiom fell.

ACTUAL TRANSLATION:

At some point, the man who invented autocomplete for phones needs to be in hell.

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Seriously.  That's what my phone "predicts" for text.  Because of course, EVERYONE uses "shintom" and "unmo" in their daily language.  Didn't you, today?

If I type in "W" it defaults to "Wyatt." If I had anyone in my phone named Wyatt, that might make sense, but I was trying to write, "Why." A rare word that I'm sure the 99% NEVER use in their daily language.

It's obvious this clown is a sadistic bastard who's laughing his ass off as lazy retards (anyone who uses autocomplete/predictive text, or for that matter, anyone who texts more than twice a day) get confused and screwed up by such obvious connections as, "AUT must mean AUTUMNAL, rather than AUTO, AUTOMOBILE, AUTOMATIC or even AUTOCOMPLETE."

Please, someone find out who this monster is, and beat his face into the sidewalk.  He's worse than a spammer.

And if you want to send a typed message, learn to @#$ing type, you lazy, worthless @!#$s.

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Written by Michael Z Williamson

Created: 19 October 2011

I'm reposting this from elsewhere because people asked for it.

There are two types of police--peace officers, and law enforcement officers.

Let's say you come out of the bar at closing time.  You get in the car and feel a bit dizzy.  Obviously, you are not in shape to drive.  So you warm the car up for a couple of minutes, shut it off, recline the seat and try to sleep some of it off.

You wake up to a knock on the window.

A:  The peace officer says, "Sir, what are you doing?"

"I don't feel safe to drive, sir, so I figured I should sleep for a bit."

Peace officer:  "That's a good idea, sir, but I can't let you stay here like this.  I'm going to call a cab.  I'll log the incident, and you can come pick your car up in the morning.  Thanks for being responsible."

The next morning you wake up sober, realize you had too much to drink and your judgment was shot, and are grateful the cop helped you get home. 

B:  The law enforcement officer says, "Sir, what are you doing?"

"I don't feel safe to drive, sir, so I figured I should sleep for a bit."

"Are your keys in the ignition? And you've been drinking? That's operating under the influence!  You're under arrest!  You're going to jail to be booked, I'm going to write up the bust for my promotion file, and your car's going to the impound yard." 

Twenty-four hours, $200 in impound fees, $600 in legal bills, $250 in bail, a bad meal, a jail cell and a visit with a judge later, you realize why you hate pigs.

We need more peace officers.