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Written by Michael Z Williamson

Created: 21 November 2010

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First, I have a hard time referring to professional crotch fondlers as ΓÇ£agents.ΓÇ¥ TheyΓÇÖre largely untrained, uneducated, incapable of spotting threats, and programmed into assuming anyone whoΓÇÖs uncomfortable is a threat, regardless of background. TheyΓÇÖre unthinking bureaucratic drones, not ΓÇ£agents.ΓÇ¥ I doubt we can publicly call them PedoSmurfs, but IΓÇÖm sure we all think of them that way.

This Wednesday is the day everyone with a spine has elected to opt out of the Nude O Scope and insist on a groping.

TheyΓÇÖre going to hassle you for this, of course. ThatΓÇÖs not the point. The point is that if youΓÇÖre going to be hassled, they get to share in the experience.

Here then, are some ideas to improve the process.

Take lots of bottles. Play stupid. TheyΓÇÖre going to dispose of them, and thatΓÇÖs fine. A few dozen people doing this clogs the trash cans, takes ΓÇ£agentΓÇ¥ time and slows the process.

IΓÇÖve had a tiny metal clip and a CAC card set off the detector. Wear suspenders or metal buttons. Forget some change in your pocket. A cheap metal locket around your neck? A spare key? Add little bits until they spend 5 minutes wanding you for it all.

Wear steel-toed shoes. They have to go through the scanner, and theyΓÇÖre going to read big, black toes. Will they bother searching? Or admit they really donΓÇÖt care and itΓÇÖs just to hassle you?

Also, how safe is it to walk in stocking feet across a floor that 1000 other people have walked across, some of them with athletes foot and the like? Break out a bleach wipe and sterilize the floor in front of you, or pull booties onto each foot.

Ask to see the calibration certificate for the Nude O Scope, and ask what level of radiation and what frequency it uses. The canned response will be, ΓÇ£Sir, itΓÇÖs safe.ΓÇ¥ There is no such thing as a ΓÇ£SafeΓÇ¥ level of radiation. So how much actual exposure is there? Insist on an answer. Demand to talk to the supervisor. Push them to get on the phone and ask (because they wonΓÇÖt know). Be adequately loud so others hear about ΓÇ£potentially cancer-causing levels of X rays.ΓÇ¥

Heck, ask if they have a lead vest you can wear.

ΓÇ£ForgetΓÇ¥ something, leave the secure area, and come back through again. Make them work for it.

Take a tub of Play Doh for your ΓÇ£nephew.ΓÇ¥ Sealed, of course. TheyΓÇÖll seize it. Once again, this takes time on their part.

Carry a sex toy in your carry on, batteries loaded. Put it in a plastic bag and make sure itΓÇÖs got a little grease in with it.

Wear a kilt or skirt. DonΓÇÖt wear undies. Make them really feel the experience.

Are you legitimately hard of hearing? Keep pointing at your ear, loudly complaining and shaking your head. Ask them to write out all the instructions, or make them demonstrate them.

You are not required to speak English in this country. Can you fake Spanish? French? Something Altaic?

Turn your head and cough.

Wear a well-padded bra.

Are you brave enough to cross dress? False boobs or a ΓÇ£packyΓÇ¥ phallus will add to the fun.

Wear a pad or adult diaper, whether you need one or not. Though as long as youΓÇÖre going to be waiting, you may actually appreciate one.

Hum or purr while being groped. If they donΓÇÖt enjoy it, make them think you do. ItΓÇÖs acting. You can do it for 60 seconds.

Follow this with a breathy whisper of, ΓÇ£That was HOT!ΓÇ¥

ΓÇ£Can I feel you, now?ΓÇ¥

ΓÇ£Do you hang out at the glory hole at the PervertΓÇÖs Playpen (or any fetish club near you)? That seems familiar.ΓÇ¥

ΓÇ£There must be a lot of homos/pedos working here.ΓÇ¥

ΓÇ£When you took this job, did you think theyΓÇÖd ask you to be gay for pay?ΓÇ¥

ΓÇ£When do you think this is going to get to you and youΓÇÖll turn gay?ΓÇ¥

ΓÇ£HavenΓÇÖt you ever enjoyed it? At least once?ΓÇ¥

Remember these people have no power of arrest. If they take too long, all you have to ask is, ΓÇ£Am I being detained? Am I under arrest? If I am not under arrest, am I free to go? If I am not free to go, I must insist on a police officer. I wish to file charges for kidnapping, a federal offense.ΓÇ¥

Finally, as you leave the area, be sure to loudly commend the system. ΓÇ£IΓÇÖm sure glad they have lots of jobs for pedos and faggots these days.ΓÇ¥

Any other ideas?

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Written by Michael Z Williamson

Created: 21 November 2010

Desi: "Molester, pervert, disgusting, an embarrassment, creep. These are all words I have heard today at work describing me, said in my presence as I patted passengers down. These comments are painful and demoralizing, one day is bad enough, but I have to come back tomorrow, the next day and the day after that to keep hearing these comments. If something doesnΓÇÖt change in the next two weeks I donΓÇÖt know how much longer I can withstand this taunting. I go home and I cry. I am serving my country, I should not have to go home and cry after a day of honorably serving my country."

- Whiny TSA Agent

Mike: Disgraceful. No one called him a homo pedophile.

Chris: If he had any balls he and his coworkers would complain too. Guess he's too busy feeling other peoples balls to worry about his own.

~~~

I think the only compassionate thing to do is to turn your head and cough, and then ask him if he learned his technique in prison.

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Written by Michael Z Williamson

Created: 18 November 2010

I get less harassment at security when entering the Pentagon than an airport.

I'm waiting for some TSA fellator to explain why this is so.

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Written by Michael Z Williamson

Created: 17 November 2010

TSA--The Only Government Agency That Offers A Reacharound.