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Mike:  I have this awesome idea for a satirical story.

Publisher:  Go on.

Mike:  We'll have a protest against capitalism and banks.

Publisher:  It's been done.

Mike:  Yes, but this will be different.  The protesters will protest capitalism, while wearing clothing made in sweatshops, AND, one of the sweatshop shirts from Honduras will bear the image of a communist who was shot for leading too many failed revolutions.

But there's more.  They'll adopt as their emblem this http://www.partycity.com/product/v+for+vendetta+mask.do?utm_source=Google&utm_medium=ProductSearch&utm_campaign=GoogleMerchant&extcmp=GoogleMerchant it's the image of a jihadist who tried to overthrow a parliamentary government to instill a religious dictatorship.  The image is owned by Warner, a huge media conglomerate that earns $12 billion a year. They used it for a movie about a terrorist, and they get 30% of every sale of the mask to these protesters.  Plus! It's made in a sweatshop in China by dissident prison laborers on starvation rations, using potentially toxic chemicals.

Publisher: …um…

Mike:  No, wait!  This is satire, okay?  Hippie drummers will show up at the protest, and the protesters will tax them on their tips to help fund the revolution. http://reason.com/blog/2011/10/21/it-began-as-it-so-often-does-w They'll have a "consensus" on doing so, without asking the drummers—taxation without representation!  And they'll insist the drummers stop drumming because it's annoying, but still want them to get tips!

Then, when they actually get donations, they'll take them to one of the banks they're protesting http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2011/11/09/occupy-oakland-protesters-deposit-funds-at-wells-fargo-after-bank-attacks/    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-j-hunt/occupy-oakland-banks-loca_b_1082930.html  .

Also, in a survey, http://reason.com/blog/2011/10/18/poll-49-of-occupy-wall-street half of them will actually support taxpayer-funded bailouts of banks.

When violence happens, they'll blame it on a "right wing conspiracy."  They'll want people to believe conservatives and Christians are sending people in to have sex in public, defecate in public and smoke dope.

After it really gets rolling, they'll get endorsement by the Communist AND Nazi Parties both. http://hotair.com/archives/2011/10/17/great-news-ows-now-endorsed-by-both-communist-and-nazi-parties/

They'll also meet at Starbuck's and drink overpriced coffee, and…

Publisher:  Stop.  Just stop. Satire works because it's believable.  This is just insane.  Even Monty Python makes more sense than this.

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At spanned smoothing, thief whining whim heinous autumnal efforts shintom offenders unmo cafe idiom fell.

ACTUAL TRANSLATION:

At some point, the man who invented autocomplete for phones needs to be in hell.

~~~~

Seriously.  That's what my phone "predicts" for text.  Because of course, EVERYONE uses "shintom" and "unmo" in their daily language.  Didn't you, today?

If I type in "W" it defaults to "Wyatt." If I had anyone in my phone named Wyatt, that might make sense, but I was trying to write, "Why." A rare word that I'm sure the 99% NEVER use in their daily language.

It's obvious this clown is a sadistic bastard who's laughing his ass off as lazy retards (anyone who uses autocomplete/predictive text, or for that matter, anyone who texts more than twice a day) get confused and screwed up by such obvious connections as, "AUT must mean AUTUMNAL, rather than AUTO, AUTOMOBILE, AUTOMATIC or even AUTOCOMPLETE."

Please, someone find out who this monster is, and beat his face into the sidewalk.  He's worse than a spammer.

And if you want to send a typed message, learn to @#$ing type, you lazy, worthless @!#$s.

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I'm reposting this from elsewhere because people asked for it.

There are two types of police--peace officers, and law enforcement officers.

Let's say you come out of the bar at closing time.  You get in the car and feel a bit dizzy.  Obviously, you are not in shape to drive.  So you warm the car up for a couple of minutes, shut it off, recline the seat and try to sleep some of it off.

You wake up to a knock on the window.

A:  The peace officer says, "Sir, what are you doing?"

"I don't feel safe to drive, sir, so I figured I should sleep for a bit."

Peace officer:  "That's a good idea, sir, but I can't let you stay here like this.  I'm going to call a cab.  I'll log the incident, and you can come pick your car up in the morning.  Thanks for being responsible."

The next morning you wake up sober, realize you had too much to drink and your judgment was shot, and are grateful the cop helped you get home. 

B:  The law enforcement officer says, "Sir, what are you doing?"

"I don't feel safe to drive, sir, so I figured I should sleep for a bit."

"Are your keys in the ignition? And you've been drinking? That's operating under the influence!  You're under arrest!  You're going to jail to be booked, I'm going to write up the bust for my promotion file, and your car's going to the impound yard." 

Twenty-four hours, $200 in impound fees, $600 in legal bills, $250 in bail, a bad meal, a jail cell and a visit with a judge later, you realize why you hate pigs.

We need more peace officers.

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If you know me, you know I can get along and debate with people from every political, religious and social stripe.  You also know I regard mockery as an art form.  This doesn't mean I'm not sympathetic, or lack understanding.

In this case, I see a need, so I'm going to offer some free advice.  It's worth at least what you pay for it, but beggars can't be choosers.

Dear Occupussies:  This is where you went wrong:

The start. 

Really, that's where you went wrong.  A "Leaderless" protest isn't a protest.  It's a bunch of whining infants throwing a tantrum.  I blame your teachers.  That you don't realize they've failed to teach you anything useful, and want instead to blame "the banks" or "big ag" or whoever you're blaming this time around just shows how badly they've failed you.  People who make a lot of money need knowledgeable employees to get things done, and you're just not going to be those employees.  This situation is not ideal for you, or them, either.

Here's how it works:

DETERMINE THERE IS A PROBLEM.  Right now, the problem is "the 1%."  Very good. Except your definition of the 99% and the 1% is so vague that half the people you'd like on your side hate you.  Really.  That constitutes failure of both definition and message on your part, not failure on their part to "understand" your brilliance.  If you're so smart, why are the 1% so rich?  They have an agenda.  You need one, too.  Yes, really.

ORGANIZE WITH AN EFFECTIVE LEADER.  Democracy has leaders. Anarchy does not.  If anarchy is what you crave, stop making demands that someone else fix your problem for you, and be an anarchist.

HAVE A STAFF TO MANAGE, DIRECT, COORDINATE.  Have set start and stop times.  Show up, state your case, thank people for listening, go back and plan the next battle. (This is how militaries win wars. Troops get tired.  Equipment wears out.  The landscape takes a beating—yes, the military uses ecologists.  You just learned that from me.  You're welcome.)  Be glad you do live in America.  Half the countries in the world would have called out troops to machine gun you for being a mob.

HAVE A PUBLIC AFFAIRS OFFICER.  Find someone with PR experience and charisma.  Let them work your message into an appealing shape.  This is the person who pro-actively meets the press and expresses your concerns and looks good doing it.  They're the go-to person the media and everyone else will see instead of some frothing doped-up hippie who hasn't showered in a week. http://orangwutang.com/2011/10/18/where-do-i-sign-up/

HAVE HANDOUTS WITH CONCISE BULLET POINTS.  See what I did there?  It works.  Politicians win elections like this, and this is an election—you're trying to convince enough people to join your movement and put pressure on [someone] to effect a change.  They have to have some idea what you stand for, and it needs to be official.

OFFER ALTERNATIVES.  This will put you ahead of the politicians, if you can offer actual, useful alternatives.  "Forgive all debt by anyone ever" is not useful.  That moron has obviously never taken Economics 101, or even Econ 089.  Or any business course.  Yes, I realize he's a moron, but because you didn't have any of the above points, he got to be the most visible and self-appointed spokesman by default.  Want to know who to blame for the opposition latching onto him as your figurehead?  Look around you. 

BRING IN THIRD PARTIES TO OFFER RESEARCHED OPTIONS.  Every position of every group has a research paper about it somewhere.  One of your staff needs to be digging these up, and asking the authors to make presentations and comments your PR person can use.

MEET WITH THE OPPOSITION AND OTHER INTERESTED PARTIES TO DEBATE AND RESOLVE.  Not everyone agrees with you.  In fact, 99% (see what I did there?) of the country does not agree with you, including people you wish would.  Start off with the understanding that anyone getting by with the status quo is going to be reluctant to change it, especially on the advice of a bunch of self-admitted failures.  The first question anyone with anything to lose is going to ask themselves is, "Will I be better off with these freaks in charge than the bastard who's there now?"  If the answer is hysterical laughter, you've failed.

POLITICS IS THE ART OF NEGOTIATION.  Once you know what you want, ask for 150% of it.  You won't get it, but that's the point.  If you get 70%, be ecstatic.  If you get 30%, be happy.  If you get 10%, be gracious and polite, accept it, go back, reorganize, and come back again for more

DECIDE WHO GETS TO PLAY.  Just because someone supports you doesn't mean they're entitled to face time.  The retarded kid means well, and you should welcome him, but he's probably not suited for the camera.  Have him fetch sandwiches and maintain the line.  The bully should be told to piss off.  He's not going to improve your image or numbers.  The psycho should be actively opposed, and you should have him arrested if need be.  This tells everyone that you have standards.  Substitute "Communist Party" for bully and "Nazi Party" for psycho. No, you really don't want their endorsement.  If you think those endorsements are good ideas, step down and let someone else be leader.  No, they won't go away if you ignore them.

Likewise, having people worth tens or hundreds of millions of dollars supporting you sort of negates the argument that you're against those filthy rich bastards.  You're only against certain filthy rich bastards, but, if you look at the ones promoting you, they have agendae, are making money off you, and make you look like suckers, because you are.  Don't just take the pittance they toss you.  Require them to cough up morally.  They should be acting according to your values, not dumping all over you and tossing you a quarter now and then.

DON'T HAVE A POWER VACUUM.  Remember that CPUSA and the Nazis I mentioned?  They DO have existing organizations with paid, professional leaders, and believe it or not, they've been successful at what they do for a long time. If they think they can move in and suborn your march for their purposes, they will, and they have.  The enemy of your enemy is not your friend, they're just the enemy of your enemy.  Remember WWII?  We allied with the Stalinists.  The Nazis allied with the Fascists and Imperialists.  None of us liked each other, and kept each other at arm's length.   Remember what happened to Italy once things went south?  If not, go read a history book.

DON'T DILUTE YOUR MESSAGE.  Is this about health care?  Or banks?  Or schools?  Or jobs?  Or what?  Yes, there are multiple problems, but multiple front wars are tough.  Have a holding action on most while you attack one, then switch later.  All out offense has no staying power.

GOOD LUCK, YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IT.  All of this information is readily accessible in junior high school.  Really.  Certainly high school.  Two generations back in the 60s, a lot of this was refined, and the unions had a hand on it a century ago.  That you haven't had this from the start and haven't been using it means your teachers and professors have UTTERLY FAILED TO DO THEIR JOBS.  You might want to put that on your agenda.

RETREAT IS A STRATEGY.  What you're facing here are what are called "sunk costs."  The time and money you've poured in so far really haven't done anything.  Pouring in more is only going to waste money, time, energy and accomplish more nothing.  Fixing the engine on your sinking ship just means you lose a more expensive ship.  Go get another ship, put on a fresh coat of paint, get a trained crew and come back stronger.

Next time:  Some observations on who you should be fighting.

  1. The Education Industrial Complex
  2. Occupy Indy, Celebrating Corporations

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